You don't even want to know
by Random Stuff About Stuff
Summary: What would have happened if Leia had been related to every man she knew. Well, every man except for one... AU obivously. NOW COMPLETE! Written with Tzaryn.
1. Way Too Much Family

A/N Thanks to Tzaryn for helping me write this. I just thought of it when I realized that there are no Chewbacca romances.

A/N2 **_READ THIS!_** Thank you. Okay, so, for the purposes of this story, Kit Fisto has had a gender change and is now a girl. Thank you for your time.

Disclaimer: nothing is mine. Not even the stuff that is. But this especially isn't.

The door knocked. Well, I mean someone knocked on the door. Leia opened it.

"May I help you?"

"Yes, actually," answered the cloaked figure. "Is Han Solo Amidala here?"

Leia frowned in confusion. "Well, there's no Amidala, but Han Solo is here. He's my fiancé."

The person blinked. "And who are you?"

"Leia Skywalker."

The figure laughed hysterically and left. Leia closed the door and rolled her eyes.

"Who was that?" asked Luke.

"Some prankster wanting to know where Han Solo Amidala was," Leia answered.

Obi-Wan's ghost appeared. "Han Solo Amidala!" he exclaimed. "Holy #$!

"What?" asked Han. "Why'd you say my full name?"

"Your full name?" asked Leia in shock.

"Yeah, so?" asked Han.

"What's your relationship to Padmé Amidala?" asked Obi-Wan.

"She's my aunt," answered Han. "Why?"

Obi-Wan started to disappear, but Luke used the Force to make them all follow him. So they ended up in the Jedi Temple Gardens with a bunch of dead people, and a few living ones.

"I am Leia's mother," explained Padmé.

"You are?" asked Anakin. Everyone except him seemed to understand everything that had been going on.

"Yes," answered Qui-Gon.

"You too!" exclaimed Anakin. "Why does everyone know who my own daughter is before me?"

"How do you know she's _your_ daughter?" asked Mace Windu. "Just kidding," he added hurriedly as Anakin glared at him.

"So Leia's my cousin?" asked Han.

"Yup," said Yoda.

"Darn, now we can't get married," said Leia. "_Now_ who can I marry?" She glanced at Obi-Wan, who was the closest man to her.

"You know, in Jedi terms, I'm your grandfather," said Obi-Wan nervously.

"Darn," said Leia again. "So is anyone else here not related to me?"

"Leia, I am your father," said Anakin, stating the obvious.

"And Qui-Gon's your great-grandfather," began Padmé, "Dooku's your great-great-grandfather, and Yoda's your great-great-great-grandfather, and anyone beyond that is too dead to be here."

Yoda looked a little disappointed at the mention of his relationship to the princess, but cheered up when he realized that since Leia was so determined to have a wedding, there would probably be one. "Wedding planner I will be. Missed planning weddings while with Jedi, I did. Boring Jedi are."

Leia considered Padmé's comments, ignoring the small green Jedi Master. "Well, what about Han's friend Lando? He seemed nice enough."

"You mean handsome enough," grumbled Han, still annoyed at her refusal to marry him now that she knew that he was her cousin.

"Yes, that too. I'm surprised you noticed," agreed Leia absentmindedly.

At that moment, C-3PO walked in, brushing past Chewbacca. "Excuse me, but there's a package here for a 'Lando Callaghan Jinn.' Is he here?"

Everyone stared at Lando. "Who's Jinn?" asked Luke obliviously.

"I am," said Qui-Gon sheepishly.

"When did you have a kid?" asked Obi-Wan. "And who's the mother?"

"I refuse to answer that, my very young apprentice," answered Qui-Gon haughtily.

"I'm older than you are. Spit it out," retorted Obi-Wan maturely.

"So Lando's out," muttered Leia disappointedly. "Who's left? 3PO?"

"I believe, Princess, as you father was my creator, I would be considered your brother and therefore out of the running," answered 3PO.

"Why would you _want_ to be out of the running?" asked Luke enviously. The droid could have gotten away with it. If only Leia didn't know _he_ was her brother.

"In all honesty, it would be a deception to lie," said 3PO.

R2 chirped, making Leia smile. "Sorry, R2, only humanoids are in the running." A few disappointed Jedi left. The princess glared at the rest. "And only people I know," she added. The others followed their friends out.

"So is there anyone here who _isn't_ related to me?" asked Leia.

_He didn't know if he really did want to marry her, but he knew he needed the money. _

Chewbacca raised his hand slowly. Everyone stared.


	2. Wedding Preparations

A/N: Thanks again to Tzaryn for more of her help, and to everyone who reviewed. It might be getting a little weird soon, just to warn you.

Disclaimer: Not mine, Star Wars is. George Lucas' also, Yoda-talk is. Not mine either, Barbies are. Patricia Wrede's, sour cream and onion ice cream is. Also someone else's, Wolfman is.

"Cake we must have. But cake Wookies do not eat. Dilemma, this is," Yoda complained. Everyone else ignored him, caught up in their own preparations.

It seemed the more reunited the dead Jedi and their random living friends got, the more confused Leia got. Her father and Obi-Wan were bickering over proper attire, while Qui-Gon tried to sort it out. Of course, since he hadn't seen any of them in years, this particular dead Jedi was no help whatsoever.

Mace Windu, Lando and Han were complaining about Leia getting married to someone that wasn't them. In fact, it had been Windu who had convinced Leia to marry Chewbacca, when she realized that the only other choice was him.

Luke and Jar Jar were in the kitchens, trying to cook. Leia hoped someone would shoo them both out before they finished something and expected people to eat it. Padmé was contemplating doing just that, but first she had to find the recipe she was looking for.

The other Jedi were all sitting around joining Anakin and Obi-Wan's argument or Windu, Lando and Han's complaining session, or having arguments and complaining sessions of their own. Except for Kit Fisto who was alternating between helping Leia calm down and sitting there with an amused look on her face.

"Would you all just go away?" snapped Leia loudly. There was a long pause as everyone tried to digest that request, and then Obi-Wan said calmly "no," and everyone nodded and went back to what they were doing, ignoring Leia's cry of frustration.

"They're always like that," explained Kit. She rolled her eyes. "Come on; let's go kick your brother and that stupid Gungun out of the kitchen so your mom can look for her recipes in there."

Leia smiled gratefully at the older (and deader) woman and followed her towards the kitchens.

Several hours later, Padmé had found her recipes and enlisted Leia and Kit to help her cook, while Luke and Jar Jar sat around and sulked at their lack of helpfulness. Anakin came by and told Padmé to let the pair cook, but she ignored him, and considering the dishes they had been distorting for Leia's wedding, it was no wonder.

Luke and Jar Jar had made and burned: double apple brownies (ordinary chocolate brownies with apples inside and applesauce on top) pasta/pizza (pizza with cheese sauce instead of regular sauce, and noodles stuck on top) sour cream and onion ice cream (do you really want to know how they did that?) fruit and vegetable sauce (applesauce with crushed cherries, oranges, tomatoes, onions, carrots, green beans and all other fruits and veggies they could find) and for a cake, they had begun baking their own little concoction. Cake mix and ice cream ground together, glued in place with suspiciously sticky applesauce (do I sense a theme?) and given form by pizza dough. The whole thing had been 'iced' with real ice, and was now melting all over the kitchen floor.

Unfortunately, Luke and Jar Jar had used up all of several foods, so different Jedi had to be sent to the grocery store for each one, Kit having stated that they would probably forget what they were supposed to buy if it was more than one item.

Anakin was sent to pick up four boxes of cake mix. Obi-Wan was getting all of the applesauce in the store, Leia liking it as much as her brother. Qui-Gon, one of the more intelligent Jedi, was told to get as much ice cream as he thought they would need, although Kit whispered the number to him on his way out of the kitchen. Yoda got stuck with buying salad items, since he would have just eaten anything else on the way home. In fact, Ani had to go back for the cake mix twice before he learned to avoid the small Jedi. And Mace Windu had to go to a different store to buy decorations, which began the rumor circulating that _he_ was getting married.

Finally, the food was ready, and Padmé, Leia and Kit took the Padawans out shopping for things to wear. When they returned, they discovered that nobody else had done the same, so Padmé left it up to Leia, Kit and the younglings to set up while she took the others out on her favorite errand.

"No, put that down," Kit shouted in alarm as a Padawan Force-lifted the alter, just to show he could. The little boy dropped it and began to cry, earning the Jedi evil looks from the older Padawans.

Leia sighed and calmed the younglings down, while Kit busily arranged some flowers, trying to look innocent. Leia gave her a look and muttered about idiotic Jedi under her breath, but everything was as close to back to normal as possible.

Finally, everything was ready. Padmé and the others still weren't back, but at least it was all good on their side, Leia reflected. She had barely finished thinking this when a Padawan ran up.

"Princess Leia, what about the cake?" asked the boy.

"What _about_ the cake?" Leia retorted. Luckily, the boy was old enough not to really mind her snappishness.

"Where is the bride and groom Thingymawhatsits on top?" he answered. Leia followed him into the kitchen, and sure enough, the bride and groom Thingymawhatsits were missing. Leia groaned. "Now what are we going to do? We'll never get a Wookie Thingymawhatsit in time."

And so she sat there moaning and groaning with nobody to comfort her, because her husband was out buying a tuxedo, and her mother was helping him, and her friend Kit was still arranging flowers and trying to look innocent.

And as for the Padawan boy who had pointed this out to her, well, he and the other Padawans were busy doing what Padawans to best: looking at each others toys. But in this case, they were doing it with a good cause.

"Does this work for the Princess?" asked a girl. The boy who had pointed it out to Leia, and was their leader this time, shook his head. "The dress is alright, but the hair is all wrong," he said. "Since when do they make bald Barbies anyway?"

The girl squirmed. "I sorta ripped off her hair to make my Master think she was growing a mustache. It was funny, but now the Barbie is missing her hair."

That would have been completely out of the running, but two other girls whipped out their own Barbies and swiftly began cutting off the long brown hair, gluing it to the other girl's Barbie, braiding it, and twining it around non-existent ears. (The boy didn't even want to know where _those_ had gone.) "Tada!" exclaimed the girls, holding up the finished doll, which did look quite a bit like Leia.

"Good," their leader nodded. "Now, we just need Chewbacca."

"That shouldn't be too hard, anyone got a Wolfman action figure?" a boy asked.

"In a tux?" another retorted.

But someone did have a Wolfman, and boy who had a Wedding Ken figure was willing to donate the clothes. It didn't take the two girls who had gotten Leia's hair much longer to fit a tuxedo for her new husband. A third boy even got a nose off of his doggy figure and glued it onto Chewbacca's face, which everyone admitted, now looked more Wookie than Wolfman.

And so they did have Thingymawhatsits for the cake, although Leia was now taller than Chewbacca. But everyone said that was a metaphor. After all, she did talk more, and if voices were inches, we'd all be giants. But especially Leia.

Suddenly, Obi-Wan rushed back from the store. "Padmé just thought of something, and she sent me to ask you."

There was a long pause, and Leia snapped, "Well, what is it?"

Obi-Wan blinked. "What is what?"

"What you were going to tell me. What is it?"

"Ummm…."

Qui-Gon raced up. "Obi-Wan was going to ask if we had a flower girl, ring bearer, best man, maids of honor, flowers, rings, and special clothes. She wants to know who's what so she knows what to buy for whom."

Leia sighed. "It always has to be last-minute, doesn't it?"

"Well," put in Obi-Wan, who had caught his breath. "You did only get engaged like, yesterday evening."

Leia glared at him, but before she could reply, Kit walked up. "Hey guys," she said. "Which flower arrangement do you like best?" As she held up the bouquet, Qui-Gon sneezed.


	3. Wedding Plots

A/N: Still more thanks to Tzaryn, another one of your jokes is coming in the next chapter. (I know I said it would be this one, hold your horses) I'm thinking of dragging Jar Jar in a bit more, but that might not happen. Sorry about the wait, I'll get it coming faster. My friend was moving and blah blah blah.

"I still don't believe you're allergic to flowers," Obi-Wan giggled.

"Well, that's one person who won't be the flower girl," Padmé put it. Qui-Gon ignored her.

Chewbacca roared.

"You want him to be the best man instead?" asked Leia. "How sweet!"

"Its wonderful how you can understand him, Leia," commented Padmé. "If only I could understand _my _husband that well."

_That wasn't what he had meant at all. _Chewbacca roared again.

"Oh, the ring-bearer!" exclaimed Leia. "Of course you want Han to be your best man."

_Why would he have wanted to be stuck with that idiot on the day he got all of that money? It was so unfair to have Leia interpreting for him._

"That's so sweet," said Padmé. Obi-Wan made gagging motions behind her back. Qui-Gon giggled. Padmé glared at him. "Is there a joke you would like to share with the rest of us, Master Jinn?" she demanded.

"No, Teacher," Qui-Gon muttered. Obviously he hadn't known Padmé as long as his apprentice had, because Obi-Wan was shaking his head hurriedly. "What?" he asked the older man, then caught Padmé's expression. "I mean, there isn't a joke, Madame Senator, just a bit of, err, sneezing from, err, the flowers."

"The flowers are gone, Master Jinn," Padmé said, determined to make him pay for laughing at her.

"A bit of leftover sneezes that I didn't sneeze when they were here. I'd better go, uh, um, find, err, Kit. Yeah, I'd better go find Kit."

"But Kit's arranging flowers. You're allergic to flowers."

"Uh, did I say Kit? Oh, I meant, um, ah…"

"Zit," offered Obi-Wan helpfully.

"Yeah! I meant I have to go find Zit!"

"Zit?" Now Padmé was really confused.

Qui-Gon kicked himself for taking his evil apprentice's suggestion. "Zit, it's uh, a nickname."

"For whom?" asked Padmé stiffly, her wrinkling nose showing clearly what she though of anyone who'd have a nickname like Zit, and someone who'd give it.

"For, uh…" Obi-Wan pointed at Leia mischievously. The princess was busy 'communicating' with Chewbacca and didn't notice. Qui-Gon, however, did, and was disgusted. "Obi-Wan!" he exclaimed.

It was obvious what was going to happen next, and Qui-Gon braced himself for an inquiry of why he was looking for someone who was right there. But it never came, because at that moment, it became clear that Leia was following the conversation more than she appeared to be.

"Obi-Wan!" she snapped, picking up the ring's pillow, chasing after him with it and wishing she had something harder at hand. If Obi-Wan was going to come to her wedding, she'd have to carry an aluminum baseball bat with her.

As the pair fought, Qui-Gon slipped out of the room, but Padmé was too busy with her own preparations to notice. Chewbacca had already decided on Qui-Gon for the ring-bearer and Han as the best man. They could probably get some Padawans for flower girls.

Kit, Padmé, and some of the older Padawan girls could be maids of honor. How many Padawans would theoretically depend on what Leia wanted, although it would probably depend on how many Padawan girls there were who were considered 'old enough'.

Qui-Gon snuck down the hall, thinking quickly. It only took a few minutes for him to draw up a list of the facts.

He was allergic to flowers.

Leia and Chewbacca were having a wedding.

Leia liked flowers

Leia was the bride, and very bossy.

Therefore, at Leia's wedding, there would be flowers.

He would undoubtedly be forced to attend.

He was allergic to the flowers that would be at Leia and Chewbacca's wedding that he would be forced to attend.

He would have an allergic reaction from being near the flowers that he was allergic too that were at Leia and Chewbacca's wedding that he would be forced to attend.

He was thinking like this because he had been listening to too many younglings' songs.

Qui-Gon did not like having allergic reactions.

Conclusion: He should do something so that the flowers were gone when he got there. Or so that they would leave while he was there. But there would be Jedi there, Jedi who could sense his Force-signature. So he would have to do something to mask it. What to do, what to do?

Still musing this question, Qui-Gon continued down the all, hardly noticing that he was having an allergic reaction to the flowers that Kit was carrying. As usual, she ignored him.

Obi-Wan scowled as he sat in the Padawans' way. They were so bossy these days… Leia was even worse. Why Chewbacca wanted to marry her, he hadn't a clue.

Ordinarily, he didn't mind other men's stupid decisions, especially when it got him wedding cake. But when the bride decided to have loud thoughts on bringing an aluminum baseball bat to the wedding to hit him with, then he got annoyed. Especially when the bride was his Padawan's daughter who he had nearly had to marry. Seriously, there is such a thing as annoying.

Yoda was his great-grandmaster. He and Chewbacca were friends, as was Han, who was annoying, but Luke's best friend. If Obi-Wan were going to try and train Luke while Anakin tried to train Leia, it would mean a lot of connections with Chewbacca, and since Leia was his Padawan's daughter, some with her, too. This was going to be a long and painful death.

He had to do something to get that baseball bat. And fast. Preferably before or during the wedding. And if that meant sabotaging the whole ceremony, then that was okay too.

Anakin had promised Padmé that he had left the Dark Side behind him when he had been reincarnated for his daughter's wedding, and that was entirely true. It wasn't Dark Sideish to be annoyed at the one race that had caused him so much trouble in his days as Darth Vader. Good days, those were, as Master Yoda would say. Yoda, who he had been proven so much stronger than as a little boy had resisted the Emperor's reign for so long. And it hadn't even been Ani who had killed him, no; it had been that idiot Time. Vader's list of those he would show his vengeance to was growing longer.

But first, there was that Wookie. As much as he liked the insane pilot Han Solo, (he reminded the dead Jedi of himself as a boy) there was no way his daughter was marrying a Wookie. Not one who had fought against him.

No, this marriage wouldn't happen. Anakin would use all of his Forceness, his brains, his strength, and all of his other very, very numerous good qualities to make sure of it.

Kit sighed quietly. There went Qui-Gon, ignoring his sneezing attack. He was plotting something. She could tell by the way he frowned in concentration, and the room went dark wherever he walked. Not to mention the evil music. She had thought that was Vader's theme… Guess he didn't mind Qui-Gon borrowing it.

Well, Qui-Gon was probably trying to sabotage the wedding to keep from having an allergic reaction at it. For being the smartest of the Jedi men, he was really pretty dumb. How would getting rid of the flowers _during _the wedding stop his reactions to them before he got rid of them? And how did he expect not to be caught?

Ever since Kit had arranged a few flowers to make Leia think she hadn't made that Padawan cry, she had found an intense liking for it. The Jedi had gardens, of course (duh, where do you think the name 'the Jedi Gardens' came from?) but they hired landscapers, and she had never been much of a gardener as a child.

Now, though, the flowers felt more important to her than her life as a Jedi had ever been. And Qui-Gon and his stupid allergic reactions weren't going to get in the way of her beautifully organized bouquets.

Padmé was nearly pulling her hair out in frustration over her husband's best friend. She had always thought that Obi-Wan was a nice enough man, considering the others like Sidious that Ani was bound to hang out with from time to time. But the darkening of the room and the music he had borrowed from Vader after Qui-Gon had finished with it clearly indicated that he was plotting secretly. And nobody would ever find out what he was planning.

Leia shouldn't have been so loud with her thoughts that she was going to hit him with an aluminum baseball bat. Now Obi-Wan would want to stop her from ever getting it, and would probably end up sabotaging the wedding and ruining everyone's good clothes in the process. And that, she would not tolerate.

Obi-Wan's plan would not be used. If she had to severly injure, or even kill him to protect everyone's clothes, then she would be prepared to do so. Maybe she could borrow Ani's lightsaber…

Dark Side, Yoda sensed in Anakin again. Darkened, the room was with his passing. Giveaway, the evil music was. Taken it back from Obi-Wan, he must have. Plotting, he was. Wookies, he did not like. Resist him, they did. Cool, the Wookies were. Pity he did not like them, it was.

Want his daughter to marry a Wookie, Anakin would not. Stop the wedding, he would. His plot, that was. Taken forever, planning had. So nice, it was turning out. Not spoil this, Anakin would. Annoying, Chosen One was. Foolish, he also was. Win, Yoda would. Not stop the wedding, Anakin would. Make sure of that, Yoda would.


	4. A Wedding Finally

A/N okay, I promise one day I will actually finish this story. It was supposed to be two chapters long, but as you can see, it took a bit longer than that. But still, I finally got Tzaryn's joke in here. Now maybe one day I'll end it…

Despite all of the plots, they day of the wedding dawned bright and clear, except for the dark spots where Anakin, Obi-Wan, and Qui-Gon were sitting next to each other to be able to share the music. Eventually, though, Mace Windu forced them to turn it off while the wedding music was playing, although it took regular breaks so they could remind everyone that they were plotting in secret, but nobody knew that.

After a few times of doing that, Kit got annoyed with them interrupting the music, and sent Jar Jar to kill them. Of course, being Jar Jar, he only smashed the stereo. Kit commented that she had chosen to make him do something so drastic because then he'd mess up and do exactly what they wanted in the first place.

A second type of music was also smashed from a different stereo, although not on purpose. Yoda, Padmé and Kit were all playing the Star Wars theme, since they were the ones saving everyone. However, Jar Jar tripped over it and broke the stereo, but nobody minded as much as they normally would have, since they were all in good moods. None of the crazed Jedi were doing anything that could be noticed, and the wedding was going perfectly. All of their planning and hurrying about had paid off.

Finally, they all had calmed down enough to watch the wedding. The plots had stopped, and the Padawans were no longer bemoaning their Barbies and Wolf men and Doggy dolls. Of course, by the time it was that quiet, Leia and Chewbacca were exchanging rings. Or, they were supposed to.

"NOOOOOOOOO!" someone screamed as Chewbacca started to place the ring on Leia's finger. Everyone muttered concernedly, except for Anakin, Obi-Wan, and Qui-Gon, who were pleased. This small man had interrupted the wedding better than they ever could have.

"Do you have an objection to this wedding?" Leia asked the man.

"An OBJECTION?" the man exclaimed. "An OBJECTION! No, I don't have any OBJECTION! I don't OBJECT to the fact that you're about to put on the OBJECTIONAL Ring of Power! I don't MIND that it FOLLOWED me to the OTHER WORLD! I really don't CARE that all of Middle-Earth is ABOUT TO BE DESTROYED because you HUMANS can't hold out against Sauron for TWO MINUTES! I really have no OBJECTION to the fact that an entire YEAR of traveling towards an ACTIVE VOLCANO was in vain. So no, I'm not OBJECTING to your RUINING my life's WORK all for your STUPID WEDDING!"

"Alright then. Glad to hear you say that."

But the small man wasn't about to be kicked out without screaming and kicking his exceptionally hairy feet. However, he was the least of their problems.

"My precious!" screamed a new voice as a small, grayish creature leapt onto the scene and tried to bit Chewbacca's finger off. That didn't really work, but it did succeed in getting the wedding ring of power, and that seemed to be his goal in life.

"The precious is ours! We did it, precious, we did it!"

The little man gasped. "You give that here you slimy little toad!"

"You tell him, Mr. Frodo!" a fat little man exclaimed, running in and brandishing a frying pan at the creature. "Get away from Mr. Frodo, Stinker!"

He hit a vase of flower, much to Kit's dismay. She lunged at him, knocking over the table of food in the process. As usual, utter chaos ensued.

"Somebody do something!" exclaimed Leia. The Jedi all jumped up and began running about, trying to do something. The little man who had been called Mr. Frodo was screaming at the grey creature, who was dancing about with Leia's ring in hand. Kit was wrestling with the fat man over a vase of flowers that he insisted he could prefect. Jar Jar was standing in the spot where the flowers had been, trying to calm them down.

Two more little people ran into the scene, followed by a man in long grey robes, who looked like a colorblind Jedi. With him were a long haired man with pointy ears, a bearded creature that was smaller than a human but taller than one of the little people, and a human who was waving primitive weapons about, getting into a lightsaber duel with Mace. Although he didn't have a lightsaber, the long, metallic thing he held was obviously strong, and it didn't break. That might have been because Mace wasn't the best with a lightsaber, but who's counting?

The one with the pointy ears was now in a shouting match with Padmé, while the bearded smallish one was fighting with some of the Padawans. The other two small ones were trying to get at the food Kit had spilled, while being held back by several Jedi. The colorblind Jedi was now talking with Qui-Gon, although he didn't seem to understand what was going on any better than the rest of them, he found it funny in a way only Qui-Gon could.

But just because chaos had already ensued, didn't mean it couldn't get any worse. The tall man with the metallic weapon bumped Jar Jar out of the way, while Mace knocked over another flower stand. Both of the, of course, were standing on invisible targets for Qui-Gon's plot. Unfortunately, there were a lot of plots.

Mace and the other man screamed as they found themselves, and the rest of the flowers, covered in molasses. It didn't help Qui-Gon's feigned innocence that he stopped sneezing as that happened, just to remind everyone of his motive. A few other stray body parts were caught, but mostly it was Windu and the man with the metallic lightsaber. It hurt the strange man the worse, since it got all over his long brown hair, and Windu was bald.

A gigantic bowling ball rolled down the aisle, smashing several people and nearly flattening Anakin, who stood where Chewbacca had previously been. Luckily for the Chosen One, he jumped out of the way just in time, although he otherwise would have been killed. That bowling ball was big enough to smash a Wookie!

At the same time, a mechanical arm reached down and grabbed the small, grey creature. He dropped Leia's wedding ring, which was instantly fought over between the newcomers and some very ugly new guests who had arrived out of nowhere just in time to spot the missing ring. The grey creature found himself in a dumpster, miles away, but that's pretty irrelevant to our story.

However, if you remember, Anakin, Obi-Wan, and Qui-Gon weren't the only ones plotting.

A large sledgehammer swooped down and hit the chair where Obi-Wan had been seated. Luckily, nobody was there at the time. Next to him, the spot where Anakin had been sitting was occupied by Jar Jar and Kit, who were trapped behind a force-field. And Qui-Gon's place, taken up by the blonde with pointy ears, was covered in flowers. All of this happened at exactly the same moment, causing: even _more _chaos.

In his mad scramble to get Leia's ring, the first small man had dropped one of his own. Leia spotted this and picked it up quickly, putting it on her finger for safekeeping. Then she stormed off to her apartment, not noticing that nobody could see her.

"Where's Leia? Why are you covered in molasses? Where did these people come from? What's with the bowling ball? Who made that mechanical arm? Oh look, my sledgehammer didn't work. How am I going to get Obi-Wan now?" asked Padmé in an annoyed tone. Who she was talking to was impossible to tell.

Nine figures in black swooped down on giant dragon thingies, circling towards the ring. As they landed, all of the newcomers cowered in fear, while everyone else looked on curiously. But the nine only looked at Leia's ring for a few moments before jumping back on their dragons and swooping away.

"It's not the real ring!" the first little man exclaimed.

"After them!" added the bearded warrior covered in molasses.

"How'll we follow them on foot? We'll never catch up!" wined the fattest of the small ones.

All of them looked up towards the Coresant sky, noticing for the first time the contraptions flying through the air. They glanced quickly at each other, and then charged towards the hanger.

"Well, now they're out of the way," commented Lando. "Lets find Leia."


	5. Okay, Now It's the Wedding

A/N I know. It's short, and basically nothing happens. You'll have to live with this boring chapter if anything's ever going to happen. This is too long for me to just stick into another chapter, but too important to skip. Live with it.

Three weeks later, Leia had been found. She had given up the ring to the first group of people once the little man had promised to give her ring back. If any of the others had thought to make such a deal, things would have gone differently for middle earth.

But, as it was, there were no big catastrophes that ever leaked into what the man called Mr. Frodo called 'the Star Wars world'.

"That's fitting," Anakin had commented. "We travel the stars, get into wars, and this is a world."

Finally, though, the cake had been rebaked, the other food had been remade, and the clothes had been rebought. Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan, and Anakin had all promised to be good and not try any pranks, while Padmé, Kit, and Yoda had all promised to be good and not attempt to kill them.

Han was interpreting for Chewbacca at all of the speaking parts, and the Padawans had agreed not to bemoan their lost toes (toys! Sorry) during the wedding, since they had been promised new ones.

Everyone looked beautiful, and Leia had even left her baseball bat behind. Even the none-humanoid Jedi who Leia had annoyed turn up in clothes Padmé had sewn for them. They looked a little odd, but then again, _they_ weren't the ones who had to be negotiated with to keep them from wearing Jedi robes to the wedding.

It was a little confusing as to who sat on what side, since most people didn't really know either of them, and were only distant relations. Eventually, it was decided that on Leia's side were: her parents, Luke, Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon, Dooku, Yoda, Sidious, (who had promised to be good if he could attend. After all, he was Leia's great-great-grandmaster's second master) plus several people from Naboo, and Shmi's ghost.

On Chewbacca's side were: Lando, Wicket and the Ewoks, and a bunch of Wookies. The rest of the Jedi and their Padawans, Jar Jar Binks, the Gungun leader, the clones, and all of the random people who had attended, but really didn't know anybody were scattered around the rest of the area, sitting, standing, or floating wherever they could find a spot.

"Do you, Chewbacca, take this… person, to be your lawfully wedded person who is lawfully wedded?" asked Mace Windu for the third time.

"I still can't tell what he's saying," complained Han, then noticed his cousin glaring at him evilly. "Actually, I can. He's saying that he does and he doesn't want Leia to kill his best buddy."

_Or does he?_

"And do you, Leia, take this…thing to be your lawfully wedded weddeder?"

"Well, why not?"

Anakin leaned towards Obi-Wan and whispered, "When you get married, you need a different priest."

"I'm not _getting_ married!"

"Yes you are," Anakin replied calmly, and went back to watching the wedding take place.

"You may kiss the… whatever that's supposed to be."

"Am I really supposed to kiss it?" wined Leia.

"Yes," retorted Padmé. "If you don't, you won't be married."

Leia sighed. This was disgusting, but necessary.

_He didn't really want to kiss her either, but he did need the money_.

Leia and Chewbacca kissed, then squirmed. Everyone cheered.

The small, grey creature ran in again, having just escaped the dumpster and found its way back. The first thing it saw was everyone clapping, and Leia and Chewbacca spitting disgustedly.

"What did precious miss?"


	6. Time Travel

A/N: okay, now I have no excuse for shortness except writer's block. I know what's going to happen, just not the order or how to explain it. Also, in a couple of days, I'm going to the San Juan Islands and won't be writing for a while. But I've still got a couple of days, so I'll just keep writing short, writers blocky stuff.

Chewbacca was waiting impatiently by the door when his package came. It had been nearly a month since the wedding, and this was the best thing he had gotten with all of his money.

"Here you go. Ummm, what did you want with this?"

_None of your business._

"Right, you don't speak English. Ummm, I'll just leave it here, alright?"

Chewbacca waited until the man was gone to tear open the package. Leia always complained about him ripping things up, but this was no time to worry about that sort of thing.

When he got the package opened, he was extraordinarily disappointed. The little room was just that: little. Too little, in fact, for him to fit in. Great, now he was going to have to order some sort of shrinky thing to fit in…

A few days later, Chewbacca managed to find the shrinker, order it, and use it on himself. After several tries, he finally got to be normal human size, and fit into the not-so-little room.

He pushed the buttons on the walls, and set it for about thirty five years ago. This was a little off, but he knew that the weird machine thing would get it to any time within that decade that he wanted.

"Heading to the Mon Espa Podrace," said the pleasant computer's voice. Chewbacca ignored her and fidgeted excitedly.

When he appeared, he was sitting on top of a pod, apparently in a podrace. The man in it screamed, and bailed.

_Thank you very much. I'll be sure to use this well. _

Of course, the man just heard inane roaring, and screamed again. Chewbacca shrugged and took the controls.

He was lucky that that idiot Han had gotten stuck on Tatooine so many times, because that had given Chewbacca that many chances to practice his podracing skills. Although nobody would expect that from a Wookie, Chewy had become very good at podracing. Now, though, nobody on Tatooine would race against him, knowing that he would win, but this was over thirty years ago, so none of these people knew about it.

Turning the pod expertly, Chewbacca faced his opponent. Of course, all of the other racers thought he was insane and took a wide berth around him, but little Ani Skywalker knew that if he could get past this mad Wookie he'd have a few seconds advantage over the other racers. What he didn't expect was that the Wookie would wait until the last second and then ram him.

But that's exactly what the Wookie did. Ignoring the cries of dismay from Qui-Gon, Padmé, Jar Jar, Kitster or whatever his name was, Shmi, and all of Anakin's other friends, Chewbacca shook himself off and started towards the machine, which had remained inconspicuously out of the way.

"Thanks a ton," said a tall man with a Padawan's braid. With a start, Chewbacca realized that this must be young Obi-Wan. Now _that's_ weird.

When Chewbacca returned to the time machine and typed in the date, he got an unusual surprise.

"I'm sorry. But the corresponding machine in the other time no longer exists. You can't go back. Loser!" the computer said.

Chewbacca started. He had killed Anakin before he could become Darth Vader, but also before he could become a father. Leia didn't exist, so Chewbacca hadn't married her and gotten her money, meaning he didn't have the time machine there.

But if Leia doesn't exist, did any of the story ever actually happen?


	7. How to unkill a notquite dead Jedi

A/N: Hope this is confusing. I love all of these insane time travel things where nobody knows who they are this time, or what they're doing, or how to get back or where they're going. Its funny.

Chewbacca froze. What he needed to do was stop himself from getting the time machine in the first place so he couldn't go back to now and kill Anakin. Except because he had killed Anakin, he _already_ didn't have the time machine and was still stuck here.

Would it be possible to revive Anakin? Maybe he wasn't dead. The kid was pretty tough. He _had_ gotten stuck in the middle of a battle and gotten out of it at about eight years old. Except that hadn't happened yet. And probably wouldn't happen. Had he done anything important there? Important enough to be bad if he didn't do it?

Obi-Wan was probably dead several times. Chewbacca wondered if he had ever realized that the boy whose death he had celebrated could have saved him. Probably not. Knowing Obi-Wan, he had probably died remembering how happy he had been when the boy had died. He would.

Chewbacca hurried back to the arena, sure that the only way out was to un-kill Anakin. But then he stopped. Would it be possible to go back to his own time _without_ a time machine there? He posed the question to the computer, who, luckily, could understand Wookie.

"It would be possible, but you could only go to another time without a machine in it a total of seven times before your head blows up. Although, if you're under stress, say, being in an insane story written by a crazed thirteen year old for the internet, it would only be six times."

Chewbacca nodded. _Six times, then. Better get this over with…_ And, knowing he could never find a time machine to repair the damage he had done in this time, Chewbacca returned to his own…

Chewbacca found himself outside a bar somewhere on Coresant. As he adjusted to the time, a man came out of the bar and jumped as he spotted him. Chewbacca jumped too. The man's clothes and face looked different from not having to deal with Vader and all of the things he had brought about, but he was definitely the same man Chewbacca had known so well in his own version of things.

"AAAAHHHHH! A WOOKIE! AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Han screamed, running for his life. Chewbacca blinked at him for a moment until he realized that because Anakin had never instigated the whole massacre thing, he had never left his home planet, and had never met Han. No great loss there.

Thinking quickly, Chewbacca turned towards the time machine manufacturers on Coresant. When he reached the closed doors, he looked at them for a moment, then kept on walking. He continued doing so for the next few minutes, until he found a sign that said 'Finished Time Machines.' (Contrary to popular belief, Wookies can read.) Well, actually, the sign said "Fini….Ines" since Chewbacca had accidentally smashed it.

Chewbacca rammed thorough that door, and found a roomful of the machines. Of course, there were extra large ones, but they hadn't sent him one of those, since he had used Leia's name and money. Leia's money… Would he ever see it again?

Shaking off these sentimental thoughts, Chewbacca stepped into the largest time machine, finding a collapsible one for his pocket, just in case. He set the machine for the exact date that Anakin had become Darth Vader, and, on second though, grabbed a large gun that had been lying on the floor. What it was doing there, you'll never know, because I'll never tell you.

Chewbacca looked around the gloomy hallway, waiting for some sign as to what was going on here. He heard footsteps coming down the hall, and followed them towards a large room filled with younglings.

"Master Anakin, what's going on?" asked one brave boy.

"Who's Master Anakin?" asked the cloaked figure.

"No idea," answered the boy. "Anakin was a name that I found in the database, and I've been using it to name the characters in my pretend battles with. Right now, Anakin's gone evil and is attacking a group of younglings who're about to kill him."

_I like that version of events. Anakin annoyed me._

Everyone jumped at the sound of the Wookie-roar. "It's only Chewbacca, Master Yoda's friend," said the cloaked figure, recognizing him. "Mr. Chewbacca, are you lost? Master Yoda is in the Council Room, no the playroom."

"Battle arena!" shouted one of the younglings. The cloaked figure ignored him.

"Or were you looking for the playroom?"

"Battle arena!"

"Maybe one of the younglings had business with you that would take them out of the playroom?"

"Battle arena!"

_No, actually, but I would like to know who you are. _Answered Chewbacca.

"I think he wants to know who you are," commented a girl wisely. The cloaked figure grinned and pulled off his hood, revealing…

_Obi-Wan? Drat, I thought you'd be dead. You see, Anakin, that boy who died in the podrace, went evil, and destroyed most of the world, but I stopped that, except now I can't get back to my own time because I only have a time machine there since I'm married to his rich daughter, who now doesn't exist. I thought you'd be dead because Anakin was your apprentice, and he sort of saved your life about a billion times, but I guess that just goes with the rule of deleting people in time-travel. For every situation you wouldn't have gotten out of without them, there's one that you wouldn't have gotten _into_ without them._

"What's he saying now?" asked Obi-Wan.

"I think he must be spending too much time with Master Yoda. He's kinda going nuts," answered the girl.

Chewbacca sighed and gave her a look that caused her to translate. The boy playing with his toys looked up. "Anakin was a real person? And this really happened?"

_Except he killed the younglings._

"I must be psychic!" there was a pause as the boy digested this information. Then he started to cry.

"Don't worry, you won't have to take classes with Master Yoda," Obi-Wan assured him. "We won't tell anybody that you're psychic."

Chewbacca sighed. _Could we please get back on track? I need to know how I can reverse this without going back to my own time._

"Why can't you go back to your own time again?" asked the boy who thought they were in a battle arena, once the girl had translated.

_Because in my own time, I don't have a time machine, and the only purpose of going back to my own time is to stop myself from getting a time machine and ruining all of this by trying to kill Anakin before he could go evil, and stopping myself from getting a time machine is useless if I don't have a time machine in the first place, but since I don't have one, I don't even know how I'm here._

"Oh," said the boy as the other Padawan translated. "Well, this is an obvious question."

The other younglings all nodded, while Obi-Wan and Chewbacca looked confused.

"You just need to stop yourself from killing Anakin in the first place, dummy. Then everything will be normal. And we'll be dead."


	8. Younglings and Whatting

A/N Okay, a lot of freaky dialogue in this one. I think I'll probably end it here, unless you peoples want me to keep going, but I don't have much of a plan after the end of this one, and I _am _leaving for two weeks on, like, Saturday. Anyway, just tell me if you want a new chapter up.

Chewbacca blinked. _Huh?_

The boy sighed. "You go back to the Mon Espa Podrace about fifteen years ago, and find yourself that's about to kill Anakin. Then you stop yourself from killing him, and everything will be back to normal."

_So how do I stop him from becoming Darth Vader?_

"You don't."

Obi-Wan, who also seemed to dislike the idea of having an apprentice who goes evil and eventually kills him, came up with the answer. "You come back to this time in the other version of events. Padmé's already pregnant, and anything good Anakin's going to do, he's done. So you come back just before he goes evil, and you kill him. Then there's no Vader, and everything's back to normal."

"But Anakin becoming evil is the way things happened!" a Padawan protested. "You can't change that!"

_You don't understand what horrible things he did, _Chewbacca said, although he wasn't too sure either. After all, Anakin only blew up _one _planet, and nobody really liked those inhabitants anyway.

"But he destroyed the Sith Lord!" exclaimed the psychic boy. "Who'll destroy him if Anakin doesn't?"

"Anyone else will," Obi-Wan said. "Believe me; you don't want to exist when Darth Vader does."

"You didn't," pointed out the girl who spoke Wookie. "So how would you know?"

"And we won't anyway," said the battle arena boy. "We get killed."

"Do you _want_ to die?" asked Obi-Wan.

"No," answered the girl who had said they shouldn't change the way things happened. "But that's the normal flow of things, and if you try to disrupt it, everything will be wacked." Chewbacca didn't point out that she sounded like Master Yoda.

_Look. This might not make sense to you, since you're so young, but I need to stop Darth Vader from ever existing._

Obi-Wan nodded. "Don't mind the Padawans. They just think they're so great because they're smarter than we are. We know what's what."

_What's what?_

"What?"

_Yes?_

"Who?"

_Who's what?_

"Whatty what what?"

_Whatsit?_

"Would you two cut that out?" asked the Yoda girl crabbily.

"Would what who shoe?" answered Obi-Wan.

Chewbacca left quickly.

"Huh?" asked Chewbacca as Chewbacca appeared besides him.

"I've come to stop you from killing Anakin," said Chewbacca.

"Who're you?"

"My name's Chewbacca."

"No, _my_ name's Chewbacca."

"I know. I'm a future you."

"How future?"

"Well, it's hard to say, but I think it's about two hours. I don't know how long I was saying what to Obi-Wan."

"Why were you saying what to Obi-Wan?"

"How I was saying that."

"What?"

"Why."

"Who?"

"Chewbacca."

"That's me."

"No, it's me."

"So who am I?"

"Chewbacca."

"And you?"

"Chewbacca."

"This is confusing."

"Just don't kill Anakin."

"WE WON!"

"Who's that?"

"Anakin."

"I thought it was Chewbacca."

"You _are _Chewbacca."

"So are you."

"Anakin's not going to die now. Time for me to go."

"Wait!"

"What?"

"Chewbacca is who?"

"You. Or me."

"Which?"

"Help."

"Cheese?"

"Go to bed."

"Happy Birthday."

"And goodbye."

And Chewbacca returned to the youngling's playroom.

"Master Anakin, what's going on?"

_DIE, VADER!_

"Huh?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"

Chewbacca had stabbed Anakin with his own lightsaber. The younglings stared at him in shock, and then jumped on top of him. "He killed Master Anakin," the boy who thought they were in a battle arena cried. "Get him!"

Quickly returning to his own time, Chewy found several differences. Somehow, he remembered the events following the very, very short battle in the playroom. They had been: not much. He had been exiled for killing a Jedi, then brought back when the security tapes revealed how Anakin had gone evil. Leia had become a Jedi, and had never had the money he liked so much. She had lived her life like a good Jedi, and Chewbacca had never married.

_The little twerps were right,_ he thought angrily. _Now I've gotta go back and stop myself from killing Vader._

Chewbacca returned to the playroom in a huff and slapped his own arm away as he began to stab Anakin.

"Who are you?"

"You."

"What?"

"Don't kill him."

"Why?"

"The younglings were right."

"Drat."

"Poo-doo."

"Yep."

"So you won't?"

"I wish I could."

"Yep."

"He bugs me."

"Yep."

"You too?"

"I _am_ you after all."

"Right."

"So you won't?"

"Okay."

"Good."

"Yeah."

"Thanks."

"Bye."

"See ya."

And Chewbacca left. The other Chewbacca gave Anakin a last evil look, sighed, and left as well.

Anakin blinked. "Well," he commented. "That was weird." And with that, he killed the younglings.


	9. Circuses and Other Stuff

A/N: I am _really _out of ideas. Nobody reads this until _after_ I post it, so I have no idea if I'm being funny or just stupid. So please review and tell me. Thanks to everybody who reviewed, because you are cool.

Weird that was indeed," Yoda commented, turning off the T.V. "Made time normal again, you did," he added to Chewbacca.

_No duh, Shorty,_ Chewy retorted.

"What I want to know is where that girl who spoke Wookie ever went," Obi-Wan commented. Leia scowled at the implication that she didn't speak Wookie, but since she didn't, there wasn't much she could say.

"She probably died. I bet I killed her," said Anakin cheerfully.

"Thanks a lot, dude, now we'll never know how to talk to Chewbacca," snapped Obi-Wan. Everyone stared at him. "What?" he asked crabbily.

"Since when do you say 'dude'?" asked Qui-Gon curiously.

"I just do, okay?" retorted his apprentice.

"Well, _somebody_ never got past being a crabby teenager," the older Jedi huffed.

"I wasn't crabby as a teenager."

"No more than usual," laughed Anakin.

_Can we please get back on track here?_

"See, he agrees with me," said both Anakin and Obi-Wan at the same time. They glared at each other, then turned to Chewbacca.

"Who do you agree with?" they both asked.

_Nobody. You're both idiots._

"See, he agrees with me!" said both of them. The pair started fighting irrelevantly.

"If you're in a freaky story on the internet and you know it, clap your hands! If you're in a freaky story on the internet and you know it, clap your hand! If you're in a freaky story on the internet and you know it, then your sanity will really blow up, if you're in a freaky story on the internet and you know it clap your hands!" sang Mace Windu.

"Master Windu make a berry, berry big deescobery!" exclaimed Jar Jar. "Wesa in a freaky story on the nenteret."

"Internet," corrected Mace Windu.

"Is that what?" asked Padmé, mimicking Yoda talk.

"Huh?" asked Windu.

"What is that?" repeated Padmé, deciding to hold off on the Yoda mimic until she could really speak Yoda talk.

"Yousa no spake like Master Yoda," commented Jar Jar.

"I _know_ snapped Padmé.

"The internet is a big thing that people go on off of their computers to put freaky stories about us on it and laugh at each other's. I am the first to discover that fact," announced Windu.

"Doubt it," muttered Qui-Gon, but Windu didn't hear him.

"So what's our story about?" asked Anakin.

"It's about everything that happened to us since Leia found out that Han was related to her."

"Ahh, but what genre?" asked Anakin. "Adventure? Action? Story about Anakin Skywalker?"

"That's not a genre," retorted Obi-Wan.

"Is too!"

"Only in your mind, my very young apprentice."

"I'm older than you!"

"Okay, you're like, forty, and I'm, like, eighty. No you're not."

"Don't worry, Ben," said Luke. "You're not _that_ old. You just _look_ old."

Anakin giggled girlishly.

"Actually, it's probably a romance/drama," said Leia.

"Oh, everything's a romance with you, isn't it," snapped Han.

"Yep," she answered cheerfully. "Well, except for the parts that's drama."

"So we're in a soap opera?" asked Qui-Gon, liking the idea.

Windu cleared his throat. "Ahem, actually, Leia is half right. It is sort of a romance, but there's a second genre. Can anybody guess what it is?"

Obi-Wan smirked. "Well, we _do _have Anakin. It must be a horror story."

"Oh, thanks," said Anakin enthusiastically. "It's great to know that I can affect the whole genre!"

Everyone stared at him. "Not being sarcastic, he is," whispered Yoda.

"Must be a freak show," laughed Qui-Gon.

"If freak show it is, circus there must be."

"Mesa wanna be lion! Mesa wanna be lion!" You can guess who said that.

"I'll be the trapeze artist," put in Padmé.

"I'm the tightrope walker," claimed Leia. "Luke can be the clown."

"I'll help," said Anakin. "I'll be a clown too.

The Padawans ran up and barked like seals.

"Animal trainer, I will be. My assistant, Dooku will be."

"Why am I in this story?" complained the Sith.

"Because need an assistant, I do."

"I'll be the ringmaster," called Qui-Gon.

"Hey, I wanted to be the ringmaster," complained Obi-Wan.

"Flip a coin," retorted Padmé. "Loser gets to be the other acrobat."

"Never mind," exclaimed Obi-Wan quickly.

"And Chewbacca can be the dancing bear!" exclaimed Han.

"And you can be the ring boy," snapped Leia.

"What's that?"

"You help with the animals, pick fleas out of their fur, clean up their dung, and so on."

"Or, I could just be the freak show," said Han desperately.

"Okay. But you need an act. Maybe you can get trampled."

Han gulped. "Worry, you must not. Only a story, this is. Kill you, writer will not."

"Unless she's in a bad mood," put in Windu helpfully. Everyone glared at him. "But, of course, she probably won't be writing when she's in a bad mood."

"What happens to us when she's not writing?" asked Dooku. "Or when she finally decides to end it?"

"Then that is the end for our world," said Qui-Gon dramatically. Unfortunately, he was right.

"What we have to do is make sure she never stops writing this story," said Obi-Wan.

"So we'd better have a funny circus scene, because if people don't like it, then we'll all die!" exclaimed Anakin. Everybody stared at him.

"Were you actually following the conversation?" asked Padmé nervously.

"Yup."

"But you never follow the conversation!"

"Hey, it's a life or death thing, okay. I want to know what's going on. Maybe I'll have to do aggressive negotiations, and how stupid will that look when I win and I don't know what I was negotiating in the first place."

"So if we tell you it's a life or death situation, you'll pay attention?"

"Yup."

"Okay, I'll have to remember that for when I'm telling you to clean up."

"How is that a life or death situation?"

"Umm, you're setting an example of procrastinating and not finishing what you started for the writer, so she won't finish writing the story and we'll all die."

"Okay, let's make the circus scene engaging and funny."

Han blinked. "But we're never engaging and funny. It's just the situations we're in."

"Well," retorted Qui-Gon. "We'll have to _make_ ourselves be engaging and funny, because we can't control the situations we're in."

"Oh."

Padmé clapped her hands. "Alright, everybody, lets go practice!"

Qui-Gon scowled. "I thought _I _was the ringmaster," he complained.

Padmé glared at him. "You're also an idiot. Do you want to practice or not?"

Qui-Gon gulped. "Uhh, right, whatever you say. I'll just announce things. You're in charge."

"Thank you," said Padmé primly. "Now, let's go try to organize our act so we'll be funny."

"I just had a thought," said Dooku. "If we're just a story on the internet, how did the person come up with the idea?"

"From somebody else's idea. It's called fan fiction," explained Windu.

"So if the person who first wrote about us isn't writing about us, than do we exist at all?"

"Well," he retorted, "If we're just a story about a story, than did we ever exist?"

Jar Jar smiled cheerfully. "Nope! Wesa no exist, 'cause wesa not real!"


	10. Two Dark Lords

A/N: I have no idea what I'm going to do next. I've just been writing randomly, and I've recently seen a Lord of the Rings spoof, and I'm trying to write Star Wars, so it's getting a little insane. I'm going on vacation tomorrow, and I don't know when I'll be back. I'll have a computer, but no internet access, so I think I'll have the story a lot farther, but no posts. So goodbye for now (probably. Unless the plan changes, which it does so often) Thanks again to everyone who took the time to review, maybe when I get back there'll be more of you. .

Windu scowled at the rest of the circus people. "Don't any of you want to guess what the other genre is?" he demanded.

"No," retorted everyone.

Windu scowled again. He didn't even have a part in the circus.

"That's not necessarily true," put in Obi-Wan, reading his mind. "You sell tickets and put up the advertisements."

Windu scowled again. "That's not even fun."

"Shut up," retorted Padmé, guessing what this was all about.

"Why should I?"

"Because I said so."

"But you say things so often."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well, if I did everything you said, then I'd be really busy."

"That would be a change. Like you ever do anything."

Obi-Wan watched as the pair argued randomly. He could sense Padmé's thoughts, and she really, really hated Windu. It was odd, but she seemed to hate him more than she hated her husband. The Jedi decided to keep that from his apprentice, so Anakin wouldn't be jealous.

Leia started to jump from the trapeze but froze in midair as she realized that Obi-Wan couldn't have caught her.

"Obi-Wan," she shouted. "Pay attention!" he looked up and jumped as he noticed her floating there. Unfortunately, he jumped a little too much and fell off himself. As you might have guessed, he started floating there as well.

"Jedi fly like birdies!" shouted Jar Jar.

"Not necessarily," observed Qui-Gon. "They aren't going anywhere. They're just sort of… hanging there."

"And Leia _isn't_ a Jedi," snapped Windu, annoyed at the very idea.

"All of this speculation is very nice," Leia retorted, "Now why don't you get us down?"

"Do that, we cannot. Want to, why would we?" said Yoda as an afterthought.

"Because if you don't, then you'll think Sidious was a butterfly," threatened Leia.

"Wasn't he?" said Anakin in confusion. "That's the only reason I joined him. I thought he was a pretty butterfly that flew into my window to teach me how to catch other butterflies."

Everyone stared at him. "Oh, now that's just great," exclaimed Leia finally. "I'm floating in midair, surrounded by idiots. Now what?" she demanded. Obi-Wan had been tapping her on the shoulder.

"Look, no hands," he exclaimed, raising the appendages into the air.

"Well, that's just amazing Obi-Wan," she retorted, her voiced dripping sarcasm. "You don't have to use your hands for an activity that doesn't require hands. You're a prodigy!"

"Thank you," he said modestly. "I try."

"Hi," said Lando. "Can I be in the circus too?"

"Tell you what," said Leia. "Whoever gets me down can have whatever job they want."

"What if somebody already has the job we want and we don't think they'd like not having that job?" one of the Padawans asked, looking at Anakin.

"Then we'll kill them," Obi-Wan answered for Leia. She nodded. It wasn't exactly what she'd had in mind, but it was close enough.

Just then, we found out what had happened to some characters from an earlier chapter.

"My precious!" cried the small grey creature, launching itself off of the top of the stands and onto Leia's back. She fell and landed with a thump.

"Oww," she complained, then "Oof," as Obi-Wan landed on top of her, with the first small man, Mr. Frodo, on top of him.

"What are you guys doing here?" asked Dooku.

"Finding the precious!"

"Chasing him."

"Looking for the escaped idiots who don't get that the Ring of Power doesn't exist anymore," added the blonde man with the pointed ears, entering with the rest of his friends.

"Did someone say: POWER?" demanded Darth Sidious, appearing with every Sith lord he had ever controlled.

"No," said the man with the metallic lightsaber quickly.

"Didn't I?" asked the blonde man. "I meant to."

"Where is this object of power of which you speak?" asked Sidious.

"But hesa sayin' there's no powah full thingy. That's what hesa spake," said Jar Jar.

The Sith glared at him, and then nodded to Vader. The other Sith scowled in concentration behind his mask, and started trying to Force-choke the Gungun. Jar Jar stared at him for a moment then shook his head.

"Sithies not nicers," said the Gungun, imitating the grey creature. "but this Sithie not berry good at bein' a baddie. This Sithie didn't kill mesa."

Sure enough, ex-Anakin's favorite method of killing had no effect on Jar Jar. For no reason whatsoever, the Gungun was looking calm, unruffled, and undead, despite Vader's efforts.

"Why aren't you dying?" the Sith rasped in frustration.

"Because mesa not dyin'."

"Well we _know _that," snapped Sidious. "Never mind, Darth Vader. Kill them all until we get this object of power."

"YOU WILL NOT!" exclaimed a new voice. "THE OBJECT OF POWER IS MINE!"

A large figure in a black mask appeared. "I FORGED THE ONE RING! IT IS MINE!"

"Who are you?" demanded Sidious.

"I AM THE DARK LORD OF MORDOR, RULER AND FORGER OF THE ONE RING TO RULE THEM ALL. I WILL CONTROL MIDDLE EARTH!"

"_I_ am the Dark Lord here!" insisted Sidious. "Vader, Kill him!"

"Yes, my master."

"Why does he get all of the good jobs?" demanded Darth Maul.

"Because you're an idiot and you can't Force-choke people," retorted Vader maturely.

"It's not my fault," wined Maul. "If I was cast later in the movie, I'd be better."

"You must be pretty good. You _did_ kill me, after all," said Qui-Gon.

"Maybe you just suck," snapped Windu.

"Well I was _going _to go over to your side, but if you're going to be so nasty about it, I'll just join the _other _Dark Side," huffed Maul.

"COOL!" said the Dark Lord.

"Must you talk so loud?" complained Leia. "I already fell from a trapeze. I don't need you shouting in my ear."

"FINE! THERE IS NO RING OF POWER HERE. I CAN SEE WHEN I'M NOT WANTED. I'M GOING HOME. COME, NEW GUY. WHAT'S YOUR NAME AGAIN?"

"Darth Maul."

"MAUL. IT IS A GOOD NAME. IT INSPIRES FEAR. COME, MAUL. WE WILL GO SMITE PEOPLE AND OTHER EVIL STUFF. I'LL BREIF YOU ON IT LATER. FOR NOW, WE RETURN TO MIDDLE EARTH TO DESTROY ALL LIFE!"

"Okay."

"Now can we get back to practicing?" demanded Padmé as the others from the wrong world left.

"Not until we figure out what caused Obi-Wan and I to float in midair, and Vader to not be able to kill Jar Jar," said her daughter.

"Yeah, I want to know that too," complained Vader. "It still works, that stupid Gungun is just immune to it," he added, killing an innocent bystander.

As everyone continued to speculate on the cause of that, Qui-Gon smiled evilly. Pranks were so fun!


	11. Innocent Bystanders at the Circus

A/N sorry for the wait, but I'm back now. For once, the thanks don't go _only_ to those who review, but to my cousin's cat Percy, who wrote one of Padmé's lines for her. I think you'll be able to tell which one. And by the way, if anyone knows the name of a Jedi, Padawan, or innocent bystander who's a woman about eighteen or older, I'd appreciate it if you tell it to me. I'll pick the name I like best, if I get any by the time I write again, and if I don't, then you'll have to suffer with the stupid names I make up. Hope you like the story.

Qui-Gon sulked, while Obi-Wan smirked. His apprentice had figured out that all of the random stuff that had happened were his fault and made him promise not to do it at the circus. Now Qui-Gon was annoyed at Obi-Wan, because circuses were the best place for pranks. Especially if the people you're pulling the prank on are actually _in_ the circus.

"Are we ready?" asked Padmé for the millionth time.

"Yes," chorused everyone else.

"Good."

"Mesa not ready," complained Jar Jar.

"And why not?"

"Because mesa gotten butterflies in mesa's tummy."

"You're just the lion, Jar Jar. Just go out onto the stage, roar, and make sure not to bite Dooku's head when he sticks it into your mouth."

"Does mesa have to?"

"Why do you _want_ to bite my head?" asked Dooku. "I mean, doesn't it taste horrible? You would know, from all the practices."

They heard Qui-Gon arguing with a youngling in the audience about whether or not Jar Jar was really a lion.

"You're turn," said Padmé. Jar Jar, Dooku, and Yoda pushed their way into the tent, nearly knocking over Luke and Anakin, who were on unicycles.

"Hey," exclaimed Anakin, glaring at them. "I wish I'd already learned the Force-choke thingy."

"But it doesn't work."

"Well, Qui-Gon's outside, isn't he?"

"Actually," put in Leia, "Qui-Gon's _inside_, we're outside in the cold and the dark and the rain waiting for our turn to go act like morons in front of an audience."

"And that's why Anakin is living proof that a sane Jedi should never have kids," Obi-Wan commented, coming up behind them.

"And you're living proof why a sane Jedi should never agree to be a co-trapeze artist with the daughter of another insane Jedi."

"You know, before you insulted yourself, Anakin," commented Qui-Gon, returning from the ring while Jar Jar, Dooku, and Yoda preformed, "that was actually a good comeback."

"Really!"

Qui-Gon shrugged. "Maybe, maybe not. That's for me to know and you to… not know. You're turn," he added to Chewbacca, jerking his thumb at the tent. Chewy nodded and exited, or rather, entered.

A bit more shouting floated towards them from the ring as the troublesome youngling caused more ruckus.

"Younglings," Padmé ordered.

"Padawans," they corrected.

"Whatevers," she answered. "Get out there and act cute. Do we have any more animal acts?"

Everyone shook their heads. "Okay," she said, "Qui-Gon, get back out there…"

"In there."

"Get back wherever and announce the next act."

"What _is_ the next act?"

"Me,"

"Myself and I?"

"_NO_. Me, Leia, and your idiotic apprentice."

"Okay," Qui-Gon responded and exited.

"I just had a thought," announced Anakin.

"What a surprise. You can demonstrate your immense thinking abilities when you get into the0111111111"

Everyone started. "Where did _that_ come from?" asked Han.

"A cat started writing your scrip," said an innocent bystander. "Technical difficulty, its all better now. What were you saying?"

"Well," said Anakin. "My thought was that I didn't know why Padmé and Leia switched jobs."

"Did we?" asked Leia.

But they never got to find out if they did or not, because just then, Padmé decided to give a rude comeback."

"0001011001001010120111111."

"Well, it sounded like computer jargon, until she started adding twos," commented Obi-Wan.

"034136.01413413.146310.34164.463416" retorted Padmé.

"Can you even _have_ decimal points inside decimal points?" asked Anakin.

"Ask a mathematician," responded the innocent bystander.

"What if I don't want to?" demanded Anakin.

"Then you'll never know."

Before Anakin could retort, Qui-Gon exited the ring.

"Hey, you guys, I just announced you, what's up?" he demanded.

"Mother's talking in numbers," said Leia.

"Well, does she have to talk for the act?" asked Qui-Gon practically.

"Not really, but we're all kinda bothered that her script's being written by a _cat!_"

"Actually, the cat's not writing anymore," put in the innocent bystander. "I don't know _what's_ wrong with her."

"Who're you?" demanded Qui-Gon.

"An innocent bystander," said the innocent bystander.

"We don't have any innocent bystanders," retorted Obi-Wan.

"Yes they do," considered Anakin. "They just all die."

"What about the people in the bar who you tell to go back to their drinks?"

"Okay, they all die or are traumatized for life."

"Well, considering the fact that _you're_ in all of the movies…"

"What's a movie?"

"Never mind."

"No, I wanna know what a movie is!"

But they never found out what a movie was, because just then, they found out what the people in the ring had been doing during Qui-Gon's absence.

"Hello! Mesa Jar Jar Binks! _Whosa_ are _yousa_?"

There was a chorus of responding shouts as everyone in the audience either started introducing themselves, or telling Jar Jar to get off the stage, which was odd, because they didn't have a stage.

"Better get back out there," Obi-Wan advised his master. Qui-Gon scowled at him but took his apprentice's advice.

"Who goes out after them?" Han asked. He had a point. Without Padmé being comprehension able, they had no idea what to do.

"Umm, the clowns, then you, then umm, who's left?" asked Obi-Wan.

"Then everybody else," said Leia.

"But who else is there?"

"Gollum and the innocent bystanders."

"Bystanders? Plural?"

A stampede of innocent bystanders answered Obi-Wan's query.

"Get out there," ordered Luke as Qui-Gon finished announcing them.

"16841645252854784754022452476576" retorted Padmé.

"Oh. Okay."

"Can you actually understand her?" asked Leia incredulously.

"Nope. But you'd better go, its your act."

His sister scowled at him, then exited with the rest of her act. A few minutes passed, then it was Luke and Anakin's turn. "I hope Padmé's okay," said the dead Jedi nervously.

"She's speaking gibberish, not falling off of an airplane onto a desert with a clone."

"Oh. She did that once."

"I _know_, Dad, you've only told me about a million times."

Still bickering, the two exited. Had shifted nervously. Qui-Gon wasn't coming back between acts anymore, and the mob of innocent bystanders was scary. Gollum was grinning evilly and trying to eat the ring off of the finger of one of the innocent bystanders, who was threatening him with Anakin's forgotten lightsaber.

Then Han heard his name and rushed out into the ring so fast that he tripped over the power line and everything went dark. A few innocent bystanders in the audience screamed, as the mob of innocent bystanders rushed out into the ring, trampling Han in the process.

_Well,_ thought Han miserably. _At least it was all part of the act._


	12. randomness

A/N Sorry about the randomness of this chapter. I've been getting bored with the plot. I'll have to give it a _new_ plot to make it less random. Anyway, this chapter is insane and probably irrelevant, so if you don't have time to spare, you can always skip it. I personally think it's funny, but then again, I'm a little freaky, so… Anyway, hope you enjoy the chapter.

Well, that's strange, thought Anakin. Why was it dark? And how come everybody was running around in circles like maniacs? Maybe this was a part of the circus that everyone had forgotten to tell him about. They did that a lot. Or maybe he just didn't listen.

Perhaps it _was_ part of the circus. That would mean he was messing up the act by not doing anything. So running around in circles screaming his head off would be the logical course of action. He did so.

Why is the sky purple? Anakin wondered as he ran around in circles. It didn't used to be purple. Actually, if you looked at it upside down, it seemed yellow. Yes, the sky was yellow. Did that make the sun blue? So then trees were brown, and dirt was green. He had stepped in green dirt once, although it had also been a bit yellowy. Obi-Wan had called it 'vomit'. He wondered what that meant…

"16749646384768463464" announced Padmé.

"Why are you talking in numbers?" asked Anakin.

"Because I feel like it," retorted his wife.

"Oh. I thought you were just being dumb."

"No, Ani, that's you."

"Oh. Sorry."

"What?"

"Who?"

"What?"

"When?"

"Where?"

"Why?"

"And how!"

"Shut up, Obi-Wan."

"Why?"

"Because I what so."

"Huh?"

"Cheese."

"Anakin, shut up."

"Sorry, Padmé."

"Oww! Who's that?"

"An innocent bystander."

"No you're not, _I'm_ an innocent bystander."

"Well, we're _all_ innocent bystanders."

"Even me?"

"No, Anakin, you're the main character."

"Must I be?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"What?"

"Not again."

"Be quiet, Obi-Wan."

"I'm not Obi-Wan, I'm an innocent bystander."

"No, you're not."

"That's what I said."

"What?"

"I'm not Obi-Wan."

"Yes you are."

"That's what I said."

"What?"

"I am an innocent bystander."

"Shut up, you moron."

"Poo-doo."

"No swearing."

"Even when nobody else can understand it?"

"Anakin…"

"Sorry."

"Who's who and what's what?"

"Mesa."

"Jar Jar, you're annoying."

"What's who and who's cheese."

"Be quiet, Anakin."

"Must mesa be?"

"Jar Jar, you're not Anakin."

"I'm not?"

"No, actually, you are, because I wasn't talking to you."

"Oh. Why not?"

"Because Jar Jar said something, not you."

"Actually, I'm over here."

"No, you're Qui-Gon."

"No, _precious_ is."

"No you're not, you're Precious, I mean, whatever you are."

"Sméagol and Gollum precious is called.

"Okay. Gol-Smé. Either way, you're not Qui-Gon."

"No, I am."

"No, you're Luke."

"I thought _I _was."

"You're Leia."

"But he's Leia!"

"No, that's Obi-Wan."

"I'm not Obi-Wan, I'm Padmé."

"No, _I'm _Padmé."

"I thought you were an innocent bystander."

"Would you all just SHUT UP!"

There was a long pause as everyone considered that, then responded in unison.

"No."


	13. GolSmé and the Ring

A/N sorry, I've been having short chapters lately. Maybe now that I've got a new plot, I'll speed up. I just haven't been writing very well lately. Again, sorry for the randomness of last chapter, I just needed something totally insane to cheer me up.

Disclaimer: just to be safe. What I own: my possessions and a few really freaky stories. What I don't own: this, all its character with the exception of the innocent bystanders, and just about anything else you'll see from me on this website. Or, probably, at all.

Padmé's cry of frustration was drowned out by everyone proving that they wouldn't shut

up at once. Then, suddenly, the entirely insane identity crisis was stopped by Lando turning on the lights.

"Why's everybody running around in the dark?" he asked in confusion.

"Yay, Lando saved us from not being able to tell who we are!" shouted an innocent bystander.

"Why couldn't you tell who you were again?" asked Padmé in confusion.

"Because it was dark," answered Qui-Gon as if that explained everything.

"Riiiiiight," said Padmé, deciding to ignore them.

Meanwhile, Dooku was arguing with Anakin about the usefulness of different Sith's abilities.

"I still think Force-choke is the best," snapped Anakin.

"Yeah, well you never managed to chop anybody's arm off!" retorted Dooku.

"Yes I did! I chopped off Luke's!"

"Yeah, thanks for that, Dad," Luke put in sarcastically. Both Sith ignored him.

"That was only his hand. I got your whole arm. And since I beat you, I'm automatically better."

"I wasn't even a Sith then! And besides, I ended up killing you."

"That doesn't count! You only killed me because stupid Palpatine made you."

"I resent that," commented Palpatine serenely.

"I don't," commented Obi-Wan unnecessarily.

"Shut up," ordered Gol-Smé.

"No."

"Would you all stop fighting?" asked Leia.

"No," said Obi-Wan, Luke, Palpatine, Dooku, and Anakin.

"No, Precious," said Gol-Smé.

"Aww, how sweet!" exclaimed an innocent bystander. "He called you Precious. Don't you wish your own husband would say that?"

"I don't know what my own husband says at all," answered Leia. "He only speaks Wookie."

"Oh," said the innocent bystander, a little crestfallen. That didn't last long. "But it's still so sweet!"

"It is, Precious?" asked Gol-Smé.

"Yes! Oh, look, now he's calling me that! Isn't that sweet!"

"No," snapped Luke.

"Oh, you're just jealous that she likes another… thing," teased his sister.

"I'm not jealous, but calling _that_ another thing is… wait. _Another_ thing?"

Leia grinned as Luke attempted to figure out the grammar in that sentence. Her brother really was an idiot.

"Die, you fool!" shouted Anakin. "Vader kills all who oppose him!"

"Precious is talking in third person, just like Precious does," commented Gol-Smé.

"I will rule the world!" exclaimed Dooku originally.

Qui-Gon began narrating the match. "And Anakin, nope, sorry, Vader now, _Vader_ swings his lightsaber, and oh, look at that, Dooku's blocked it! He blocked it! Oh, now look at that, it looks like Vader's using the Force-choke. But Dooku fought it off. And Vader's blocking his Force-lightening, that's his best attack. I wouldn't know, I died too early, but Vader had a bad encounter with that in his early years. Looks like Dooku's mostly on the defensive this match, but now's he's coming back with a quick slash with the lightsaber. Oh, he's driving Vader back; he's falling back and… No, Vader's coming back with a flip over his head.

"Dooku better watch out, Vader's right behind him with the lightsaber, and oh, did you see that? Did you see that! He blocked him _over the back_ and turned around in time to meet his next attack. And now Vader…Oww! Ouch, Padmé, what was that for? Ow! Cut that out! Oww!"

Padmé had shoved her way through the crowd and whacked Qui-Gon over the head with a large shopping bag several times. She had complied with his request to cut it out, and was now whacking her husband and Dooku, screaming about their stupidity. Most of the crowd drifted off before she could turn her gaze on them, but a few innocent bystanders stayed, watching her intently.

Gol-Smé and his innocent bystander friend wandered off, following the trail of things Padmé had dropped. They reached to store she had bought them from after a few minutes, delayed only by the desire to pick up some of the cooler things that had fallen out of her bag.

"What's this, Precious?" asked Gol-Smé, picking up a small box.

"It's an engagement ring," explained the innocent bystander. "You give it to someone you love," she went on, ignoring his perked up appearance at the mention of the word 'ring'. "And then you have a wedding like the one you crashed a while ago, and both of you give each other rings."

"And then Precious supposes that thieves and the fat hobbit take it and throw it into a volcano, then push you in after it."

"Oh, is that what happened to you?" asked the innocent bystander innocently. "I just got slaughtered by Anakin when he decided to go kill everybody. That was annoying, but now I'm here with all of the dead (or not) people, and other innocent bystanders who got killed one way or another."

"What's Precious' name?" asked Gol-Smé curiously.

"I don't have one. It wasn't written into the script. So I'm just an innocent bystander, like all the rest of the people who didn't have a name in the script."

"Oh. Can I have that?" he asked, pointing towards the ring.

"Sure. And if you give one to me later, I'll give one to you."

"That's good, Precious."

"Good," agreed the innocent bystander, bouncing off to tell the rest of the innocent bystander and the more important characters that she was getting married.


	14. Padawans 1 through 5

A/N Sorry for the shortness today. I just didn't feel like writing much farther. I _might_ write another chapter today, but I'm not sure, so don't get your hopes up. Thank you everyone who reviewed.

Disclaimer: just to renew it or whatever, I don't own the Lord of the Rings characters either, or anything else I mention besides the innocent bystanders. Basically, I don't own anything except really freaky stories that you'll never read and my possessions that you'll never see. Muhahahahahahaha. Did I do this last time?

"Well, I guess the Thingymawhatsits will be easier to get," commented one Padawan.

"Yeah," agreed another.

"The innocent bystander looks pretty normal, but how do we get Gol-Smé?" asked a third.

"Dunno."

"Yeah," added the second.

"What's the innocent bystander's name?" asked a fifth.

"Doesn't have one," answered the first.

"Oh," said the fifth.

"Yeah," said the second.

"Do we have names?" asked the fourth.

"Yeah," said the second.

"What are they?" asked the fifth.

"Padawan #1," said the first, pointing at himself. "Padawan #2, Padawan #3, Padawan #4, Padawan #5, and Padawan # 6."

"We don't have a Padawan #6," retorted Padawan #3.

"Yeah," agreed Padawan #2.

"Sorry," said Padawan #1. "Just got carried away. We all have such similar names; it doesn't even make a difference."

"_Similar_ names?" demanded Padawan #4. "All that's different is the numbers!"

"Yeah," agreed Padawan #2.

"What's the innocent bystander's name?" asked Padawan #5.

"Girl #8," answered Padawan #1.

"That stinks," said Padawan #5.

"Yeah," said Padawan #2.

"I mean, if she's getting married, she should at least have a name," said Padawan #4.

"_We_ should have names too!" exclaimed Padawan #3.

"Why?" asked Padawan #5 sadly. "We're not _important _enough."

"Well, without us, there wouldn't be Thingymawhatsits for the cake," said Padawan #3.

"Yeah," agreed Padawan #2.

"And Chewbacca would never had had a translator," said Padawan #4, who also played the girl who spoke Wookie.

"Yeah," said Padawan #2.

"And Kit would never have learned about her random ability to organize flowers," said Padawan #5.

"Yeah," said Padawan #2.

So we _should_ have names," finished Padawan #1 triumphantly.

"But how do we get them?" asked Padawan #5.

"Yeah," demanded Padawan #2.

"We make them up," said Padawan #3.

"But they won't be real," insisted Padawan #5.

"So we need to go to the director and make him give us names," explained Padawan #1.

"Yeah," said Padawan #2.

"And better writers," commented Padawan #4, looking at Padawan #2.

"Yeah," said Padawan #2, and for once she looked enthusiastic.

"Alright," said Padawan #1. "Let's go."

"Wait a minute," said Padawan #5 pessimistically. "Who is the director? And how do we find him?"

Padawan #1 hesitated for a split second, but then reminded himself that he was the one who always had a plan. After all, it was in the script. "We ask Master Windu," he said. "He's the one who found out that we're in a movie, he'll know where to find the director."

"But how _did_ he know?" demanded Padawan #4.

"We'll find out," said Padawan #1 confidently.

"Yeah," agreed Padawan #2.

"But first," said Padawan #3. "We need to find Girl #8 and get her a name too."

"Yeah," said Padawan #2.

"But she can't come with us!" exclaimed Padawan #4. "She has a wedding to prepare for."

"Yeah," said Padawan #2.

"And she probably won't want to go anyway," said Padawan #5.

"We'll give her her name for a wedding present," decided Padawan #1. "She'll be happy about _that,_ and it's something she can use forever."

"Yeah," agreed Padawan #2. They all set out to find Mace Windu.

Padawan #5 paused as everyone else left. "I wonder how Master Windu knows that we're in a movie," he commented under his breath. "Then again, how does _Padawan #1_ know everything we ask him?"


	15. On the Other Side of the Set

A/N Well, I managed to put out two chapters in one day. Don't get used to understanding what's going on, because it's about to get really weird in the next chapter or so. And by the way, I have no grudge against George Lucas at all, and I really can't blame him for not naming all of the innocent bystanders and random Padawans.

With the pessimistic Padawan #5 trailing after him suspiciously, Padawan #1 hurried up to Mace Windu.

"Master Windu?" he asked, interrupting the Jedi's contemplation of the cake.

"Yes, Padawan #1. What is it?" answered Windu.

"Master, I-" began the Padawan, but Padawan #5 interrupted him.

"How did you know that we're in a movie?" demanded the most suspicious Padawan.

"Youngling, I don't believe I shall tell you," retorted Windu.

"Yeah," agreed Padawan #2.

"Master," said Padawan #1. "We need to find the director of the movie. Can you help us?"

"Yeah," said Padawan #2

"And tell us how you know about all this!" demanded Padawan #5 again.

"Yeah," agreed Padawan #2.

"I still won't tell you," retorted Windu.

"Aww, come on, Window face," put in Obi-Wan, coming up with a few other Jedi. "Tell us."

"No," insisted the Jedi Master.

"Yeah," retorted Padawan #2.

"I bet you don't really know at all," said Qui-Gon. "I bet you just made that all up to seem smarter. None of its real!"

"Yeah," agreed Padawan #2.

"It is too real!" shouted Windu.

"Prove it," retorted Qui-Gon.

"Yeah," snapped Padawan #2.

"Alright, I will," decided Windu.

"Good. Now, where's the director?" asked Qui-Gon.

"Why?" demanded the other Jedi.

"So you can prove it of course," snapped Obi-Wan with more exasperation that necessary.

"Okay, I will," said Mace. "Follow me."

As the Jedi and the Padawans 1 through 5 exited the scene, Obi-Wan noticed Anakin staring at him.

"What?" asked the older Jedi.

"You're smarter than I though," answered his apprentice.

"Thank you."

"And that means the rest of us are even smarter!"

"Why?"

"Because we're automatically so much smarter than you!" shouted Anakin.

He ran all the way out of the movie.

"We're here," announced Windu a few hours later.

"Where?" asked Anakin, who had a short attention span.

"At the edge of the movie," explained Leia.

"Oh. It doesn't look very different."

"Yes it does," put in Padawan #4. "It's all plastic and stuff."

"Huh?" asked Anakin. "What is?"

"The background," explained Padmé, catching on. She pointed at the trees nearby, and Anakin saw that they were two-dimensional and drawn onto a set.

"Oh," he said. "Now how do we get there?"

"Like this," explained Windu, drawing his lightsaber and cutting a hole through the set.

"Yeah!" cheered Padawan #2 as the set ripped, revealing a stage and large camera lights.

"Cool," agreed Padawan #3.

"Run!" shouted Set Worker #1.

"Yeah," agreed Set Worker #2.

"Hey, cool," commented Padawan #4, looking at the script. "They don't have names either."

"Excuse me," said Padawan #5 to Set Worker #3. "We need to see the director about getting names."

"And for Girl #8," added Padawan #3. "It's a wedding present," he explained to Set Worker #3's confused look.

"Okay," said Set Worker #3.

"Yeah," agreed Set Worker #2 and Padawan #2 at the same time.

"What's going on?" asked George Lucas, walking onto the set.

"How come he gets a name?" demanded Padawan #3. "We don't have names."

"You want names?" asked George Lucas. "But you don't exist!"

"No reason not to have names," retorted Padawan #4.

"Yeah," agreed Padawan #2.

"But I can't give everyone names!" complained George Lucas. "I can't _think_ of that many names, and you don't know how many innocent bystanders there are!"

"Actually, I do," put in Han. "I got trampled by them all."

"No, actually, that was only a few of them," said the director. "And can you imagine every _one_ of them having names?"

Padawan #4 and Padawan #5 exchanged looks. _Evil_ looks!


	16. Of Numbers and Yeahs

A/N okay, I'm just getting a little odd. Please ignore my confusion. I _will_ work all of this out, don't worry. Just go ahead and keep reading. Hope you enjoy it and please review. Pretty please?

"That was easy," said Padawan #5, looking uncharacteristically cheerful.

"Yeah," said Padawans #2 and 4.

"I still think that was a dumb idea," said Padawan #3.

"Why?" demanded Padawan #4.

"Wedidn't get what we _wanted_ at all!" retorted Padawan #3.

"Yeah!" said Padawan #2.

"Oh, shut up," grumbled Padawan #3.

"Yeah?" asked Padawan #2.

"Really, Padawan #3 is right," said Twin #1.

"Yeah!" agreed her brother, Twin #2.

"Why?" demanded Padawan #5.

"Because you're just being stupid, not actually gaining anything," retorted the twins' father, Jedi #1.

"Dear," said his wife, Senator #1 warningly.

"An---- I mean _Jedi #1_ has a point," said Jedi #3. "Be quiet, Padawan." His former apprentice, Jedi #1's master, was testing out his new line. Loudly.

"Yeah!" added Jedi #2.

"You mean you _will_ be quiet?" asked Jedi #3 hopefully.

"I think what Ob—_Jedi #2_ meant was that Jedi #1 was right," explained Senator #1.

"This is _stupid_," complained Jedi Council Member #1. "I mean, can you imagine the credits?"

Jedi #1 -------- Anakin Skywalker

Jedi #2 -------- Obi-Wan Kenobi

Jedi #3 -------- Qui-Gon Jinn

Jedi Council Member #1 -------------- Mace Windu

Freaky Little Alien Dude #1 ---------- Yoda

Twin #1 ----------- Leia A. Skywalker

Twin #2 ----------- Luke Skywalker

Droid #1 ----------- R2D2

Droid #2 ------------ C3PO

Other Jedi ----------- Jedi Extras # 1-30

Really Scary Groom Dude ---------- Gol-Smé

Wookie #1 --------- Chewbacca

Really Annoying Pilot #1 ------- Han Solo

Sith #1 ----------- Darth Sidious

Sith #2 ----------- Darth Maul

Sith #3 ----------- Count Dooku

Sith #4 ----------- Darth Vader (Anakin Skywalker's alter ego)

Dark Side Member #1 --------- General Grievious

Dark Side Member #2-20 ------------- Extras #1-19

"A point, he has," agreed Freaky Little Alien Dude #1. "Not good, this is."

"No duh," grumbled Jedi #1. Everybody ignored him.

"Bad, you Padawans are," continued Freaky Little Alien Dude #1.

"We know," said Padawan #3 sadly.

"Not you," said Jedi #3.

"Okay," said Padawan #3.

"Yeah," agreed Padawan #2.

"Would everyone who's number is two, resulting in the incapability to say anything more than 'yeah' please shut up?" demanded Senator #1.

"Okay," said all of the number threes for the number twos.

"That's better," said Senator #1, once even Jedi #2 had shut up.

"Now, back to what we were doing," said Jedi Council Member #1.

"Which is what?" asked Jedi #1.

"Back to not following the conversation," commented Jedi #3.

"Jedi #1, this is a life or death situation," announced Senator #1. "Are you paying attention?"

"Yes, Pa---- _Senator #1."_

"Good."

"He's right, though," commented Jedi Extra #19. "We weren't doing much."

"Jedi #1 and Jedi Extra #19 are right!" announced Jedi #3. "We should actually _do_ something instead of yelling at the younglings."

"But yelling at the younglings _is_ doing something!" exclaimed Jedi Council Member #1. "And it makes me feel better."

"Shut up," ordered Sith #1.

"Why should I?" retorted Jedi Council Member #1.

"Because I already killed you once, and I can do it again," explained Sith #1.

"No, you can't, I'm already dead," snapped Jedi Council Member #1.

"Stop fighting, you two," ordered Senator #1.

"Yes, Senator #1," they chorused.

"We should go back there and _make_ him give us our names back," snapped Jedi #1, flicking out his lightsaber.

"That won't work," said Jedi Council Member #1. "If we kill him, we kill ourselves."

"What did I tell you about talking?" demanded Senator #1.

"Don't do it," said Jedi Council Member #1 sheepishly.

"Well then," answered Senator #1.

"He's right, though," said Jedi #3. "We don't want to die."

"Already dead, we are," put in Freaky Little Alien Dude #1.

"Not _all_ of us!" yelped Twin #1.

"Yeah," said Twin #2, forgetting himself. He shut up as his mother glared at him.

"Actually, we're all dead," explained Really Annoying Pilot #1. "We've spent too much time in the dead world, so now _none_ of us is alive."

"We can still die, though," said Sith #3. "In a complicated manner, which I can't seriously expect you to comprehend, given that your cranial brain has probably already overloaded from understanding that we are dead."

"I have no idea what you just said," said Really Annoying Pilot #1, still grinning.

"He did that on purpose," said Dark Side Member #1. "He _always_ does that. Just ignore him."

"Okay," said Really Annoying Pilot #1.

"Can we get back to the point?" asked Senator #1.

"Yes, Senator #1," said everyone.

"How about we just _get_ him to give us our names back?" suggested Jedi #3.

"Yeah," said Jedi #2.

"Shut up," ordered Senator #1.

"Sorry," said Jedi #3 for Jedi #2.

"Yeah," agreed Jedi #2, and then shut up.

"Jedi #3," said Senator #1, "how do you propose we _get_ George Lucas to give us our names back?"

"We get him to give up his _own_ name for a week," suggested Padawan #1.

"What will that accomplish?" demanded Jedi Council Member #1.

"He'll want his name back," answered Senator #1, "But he'll have to give _us_ our names back if he wants his."

"Good idea," said Jedi #3.

"Yeah," said Jedi #2.

"Shut up," ordered Senator #1.

"Well," said Padawan #3. "If we're all going to get names, those of us who don't have them should decided on the names we want."

"Yeah," said Padawan #2.

Senator #1 rolled her eyes. "Shut up," she ordered.


	17. Names Again

A/N sorry about the shortness. I just didn't have anything to write about today. Maybe I'll start paralleling it to my own freaky experiences, like tearing a bit of my gum out while flossing. (Yes, I did that just this morning, I know, I can be stupid sometimes, and really stupid other times.) Anyway, I'll probably get back into the wedding bit afterward this, and Tzaryn, who helped with the first chapter, might have some ideas… The name thing just didn't work out very well. Hope you enjoy this short chapter (enough to review!)

One week passed uneventfully, as nobody was talking to anybody else, for fear of having to use the names they had been given. Once the time limit was up, they all returned to the hole in the backdrop where Jedi Council Member #1 had cut through.

"Hello," said Padawan #1 to Set Worker #1. "We're here to see the director again."

"This is the third time this week!" exclaimed Set Worker #1.

"No, it's not," answered Senator #1. "We came twice last week, but this is the first time this week."

"Oh," said Set Worker #1. "Okay, then. Follow me!"

"Wesa follow hesa, okeyday?" asked Annoying Gungun #1.

"Okeyday!" shouted the rest, except for the number twos, who just said 'yeah'.

"Hi!" said Director #1 cheerfully.

"Hi!" answered Jedi #1, earning himself an elbow in the ribs from Senator #1.

"Whosa are yousa?" asked Annoying Gungun #1, who hadn't come last time.

"Director #1," answered Director #1.

"Well, if you want your name back, all you have to do is give us ours," said Jedi #3.

"Yeah!" agreed Jedi #2.

"But I _like_ this name!" exclaimed Director #1.

Jedi #1 cleared his throat pointedly and flicked open his lightsaber.

"Just kidding," said Director #1 hurriedly. "You can have your names back. But…"

"But what?" demanded Senator #1, just as frightening as her husband.

"But can I stay without a name?"

"Sure, why not?" asked Jedi #3 before they could get into another argument. "So long as _we_ have names, no harm done."

"Okay, then. Now, those of you who didn't have names, what do you want your names to be?"


	18. PETT and the next wedding

A/N see bottom note

Padawan #1, Tim, grinned loudly. Please don't ask how he did that, he just did.

"Will you be quiet?" demanded Padawan #2, Joe, grumpily.

"What, don't you like your new name?" teased Tim.

"I don't like having to decide each line," retorted Joe.

"Ahh, yes, the curse of the named. Being able to say something apart from 'yeah'," joked Padawan #3, Joanne.

"Shut it, Jo," snapped Padawan #5, Peter, grumpily.

"Joe didn't say anything, Pada- Peter," said Padawan #4, Leslie, fairly.

"Wow, I thought _I_ was the overly fair one," commented Jo.

"I wasn't talking to Joe," answered Peter. "I was talking to Jo_anne_."

"Why do you both have to be named Joe?" asked Ronald, formerly Innocent Bystander #27.

"Because we wanted to," said Jo and Joe at the same time.

"They're just kids," said Patricia fondly, smiling at them.

The Padawans grinned grumpily back at the former Innocent Bystander #38.

"We're here!" announced Mace Windu, formerly Mace Windu.

"Good," said Anakin Skywalker, formerly Anakin Skywalker. "I'm starving."

"Boosa to yousa," exclaimed another voice.

"Jar Jar!" shouted everyone exasperatedly.

"What?" he demanded. "Mesa here to tellin' yousa that the wedding thingy's movin' to da beach!"

"Da BEACH!" shouted everyone, running inside the Jedi Temple to pack their swimsuits and towels.

A few hours later, the former Padawans #1-5, Innocent Bystanders #19-45, and the real characters had arrived at the beach. Apparently, the wedding preparations had been set up without the knowledge of the formerly mentioned people whose story we were just telling/writing/listening to/reading.

An alter like thing had been placed by the water, with a priestess (Innocent Bystander #18, who had just missed going, but was now called Tiffany) standing behind it. The idea, Tiffany explained, was that the alter was placed next to the beach, but so that the beach was to their right, and the people watching were staring at them from an angle, any pictures getting the bride and groom over a background of water, that Anakin said must have been to make Gol-Smé look a little less hideous. Padmé slapped him.

Since the guests were on the left of the alter instead of in front of it, walking down the aisle would mean going as completely in another direction as one of Anakin's shortcuts. So, there was no aisle. Instead all of the chairs were packed together in a way that Tiffany explained meant the unity of the two families, instead of them sitting on opposite sides of the aisle, but really seemed to represent the chaos of the two 'families'.

Most of the wedding was ignored by the guest, who were still trying to find their seats, move them to a new location so they could see, then change the whole order around again so that they could sit by their friends. Naturally, Tiffany good-naturedly ignored all of this, so as a result, nobody paid attention until Gol-Smé started dancing around in circles having just obtained the ring.

"You may kiss the bride," said Tiffany, a bit dizzily from watching the creature dance around in circles. Everyone was so shocked when Gol-Smé kissed the _ring_ instead of the innocent bystander (Girl #8, now called Bobette,) that they didn't even notice Tiffany fall over until she began screaming "Help, I'm drowning! Help! Help! I can't swim! Help, I'm drowning!"

All of the Jedi automatically jumped to her rescue, only to find that since the water was to the right, and she had fallen backwards, she was lying in the sand with her arms and legs flailing about, screaming her head off. Not literally, of course. That would just be gross.

Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon disgustedly reached down and grabbed one arm each, pulling Tiffany out of the sand. One of the non-humanoid Jedi who had been rejected before Leia's wedding gasped and pointed at the imprint.

"It's an angel!" shouted Anakin stupidly. Sadly, it took exactly three minutes of running around screaming before anyone realized that it wasn't.

"It's a _sand_ angel," explained Qui-Gon. "You know how in winter, you make snow angels? Well, this is its summer equivalent."

"So we can make sand angels just by doing what Tiffany did?" asked Joe.

"Yep," said Qui-Gon, pleased to have figured it out.

"Cool!" shouted Tim, falling backwards and screaming that he was drowning. Everyone else stared at him for a moment, but when they helped him up, there was an imprint just like Tiffany's

Quickly, every Jedi, Padawan, Innocent Bystander, or miscellaneous person began to do exactly what Tim and Tiffany had done. Sadly, nobody had the intelligence to cut the screaming, so it was with lots of background noise the Qui-Gon approached the non-humanoid Jedi who had spoken earlier.

"Thanks for pointing that out," said Qui-Gon. "It caused a lot of noise, but it kept them occupied for a while."

"Oh, it wasn't the sand angel I was pointing out," said the other Jedi, who went by the name of Jango Fett (just a coincidence.) "I was pointing out a terrifying atrocity."

"Oh. What terrifying atrocity would that be?"

"_This_!" exclaimed Jango dramatically, pointing in the general direction of a crumpled up towel lying on the beach.

"Huh?" asked Qui-Gon. "I don't see anything."

"Can you not see this horrible thing?" demanded Jango. "Can you not see this towel that has been so horribly mistreated?"

"A _towel_?" asked Qui-Gon with barely disguised disbelief.

"Yes. Can you imagine what terrible person would have committed an act of violence such as this?"

"What, crumpled up their towel?" asked Obi-Wan, coming up behind his master, having finished with his sand angel.

"Yes! This sort of thing is, sadly, all too common."

"Is that a problem?" asked Obi-Wan, who was looking more and more confused.

"Of course it is! Imagine if you were a towel. How would you feel about being treated this way?"

"I wouldn't," replied Obi-Wan. "Towels are inanimate objects. They _don't_ feel."

"Sadly, that is what all too many people believe these days."

"You mean people didn't _always_ believe that?" asked Obi-Wan.

"Once upon a time, many more people followed the belief of sentient towels. And that made our job much easier."

"How can people believing that towels are sentient make protecting the galaxy easier?" asked Anakin, finishing his own sand angel and coming up behind the other two Jedi.

"Protecting the galaxy?" asked Jango blankly. "Why would we want to do a thing like that?"

"Because you're all _Jedi_," said Qui-Gon, gesturing at the other non-humanoid Jedi gathered behind Jango.

"Not at all, my dear fellow," said Jango laughingly. "We are PETT!"

"You're what?"

"People for the Ethical Treatment of Towels," explained Jango. "PETT."

"Oh, do you have a pet?" asked Jo, coming up on them. "Can I play with it?"

"No, no, my dear girl," laughed Jango. "People for the Ethical Treatment of Towels."

"Wow," commented Jo. "There's an organization for _everything_ these days."

"So what exactly do you want to accomplish with your umm, 'People for the Ethical Treatment of Towels' thing?" asked Padmé in confusion.

"We want to gain towels the rights that are so tragically forgotten," explained one of Jango's friends.

"Which are what?" laughed Anakin.

"The rights to not be used by you," retorted Leia.

"Why?" asked Jango.

"He sweats like a pig," explained Obi-Wan.

"Oh," said the non-humanoid Jedi. "Well, that's not what we were talking about."

"What _were_ you talking about?" asked Qui-Gon with phony interest.

"The rights to reach their full potential," said Jango cryptically.

"Which is?" asked Anakin.

"Their potential to take over the world!" pronounced Jango dramatically.

"Uhh, right," said Anakin.

Jango turned to Kit Fisto, who was leaving disgustedly.

"You look familiar," she said. "Do you know my friend, Leia Amidala Skywalker?"

"I think we're related," said Jango dismissively. Realizing that this person would be of no help, he turned to another.

"You, my lady," he said to another woman. "Would you sign a pledge to give your consent to be controlled by towels?"

Padmé gave him a look of disgust. "Shut up," she said.

_**THE END**_

Real A/N: a whole bunch of thanks to Tzaryn, for helping me with the ending, and coming up with the beach wedding, and PETT. I know I didn't use all your ideas, but I just couldn't fit Harry Potter in with the plot.

Hope all of you liked the story. If you know Spaceballs, you might want to read The Revenge of the Dink Dinks, but I'll shut up about the other stories I've written for now. Thank you very, very much to all of you who reviewed, you encouragement makes me happy. I love all of you in the vaguest sense of the term.

Thank you happy and nice readers and reviewers. And sad and mean readers and reviewers, just because I'm in a good mood and will probably proceed to read something sad so that I don't bounce off walls. Goodbye for now,

Me.


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